Wednesday, June 11, 2014

it just keeps getting better

(this was going to be luke's three month update but then i felt like i needed get out some thoughts on being a mom of two.  cause saying i have two kids makes me really feel like a mom now!  ya know, like deep down in your soul feeling.  not that i wasn't a mom before with just one but i really feel like i'm living the life.)

i can't believe i have a three month already! i'm sure i'm going to say that about every age for both my kids, but really!!  i can't believe it!  i feel like it was just yesterday that i was wondering how everything would change adding another little human to our lives, our home.  how quinn would do... would i go crazy from figuring out how to juggle two...  how hard would the bad days really be...  what kind of baby would he be...  turns out it's all been much better than i was preparing myself for.  i'm not saying it's easy or anything, cause man sometimes it really feels like so. much. work. (maybe cause it is)
but then there are the times in between all the hard work, and the learning to juggle toddler needs with a new baby's needs,  that make it all seem perfect.  like i can do this!  like i'm doing exactly what i should be doing and who cares if i don't get all the cleaning done in one shot anymore or i'm not wearing make-up for the third day in a row, or my nursing cravings are totally winning right now cause i'm too tired to really care.  it's in the moments when luke is watching his big sister, like really watching, and busts out with the biggest smile.  or when quinn gently says, "it's oookay buddy, it's ok." when luke is crying and goes to rub his head or give him his paci.  or when i watch my husband get on the ground with the kids and make luke "walk" while quinn sends her head back laughing, thinking it's the best thing ever that "luke is walking!".

i'm constantly feeling guilty that i can't do and be as much for quinn as i want to be or as much as i was before luke came.  honestly, it has made me really really sad a lot of days.  i know she doesn't really know the difference, but i do.  and that has been the hardest part for me.  i miss my quinn.  (i don't want someone to help me with her while i'm caring for/nursing luke... i want to do it!) and then all at the same time i feel like i'm not giving luke as much i could.  i guess it all goes with the territory, right?!
but i feel now that he is three months i can breathe a sigh of relief.  i've always heard the first few months are the hardest when adjusting to adding a new baby.  i hope they're right because i feel like we're getting there.  i may still want to nap within only minutes of being awake in the morning but then i smother my babies with kisses on their sweet, soft skin and feel that, deep in my soul, feeling that i'm really a mom and i'll be missing these days sooner than later.

^^first brother-sister high fives together! (was he ever really that teeny?!)^^

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