now brian would never admit to doing something lovey for this silly holiday but...

he surprised me and did anyways!

i knew he was going to at least cook dinner because i worked all day.

but i also came home to flowers, my favorite dark chocolate, and a new iphone!!

i got him a matching one as well.

okay maybe the phones were on their way already and happen to come today.

he woke up to a lovey letter and a cute little homemade coupon book.

somebody was too hungry to let me take any real pictures.

i love my valentine!

he is the BEST best friend.

and i couldn't imagine my life without him.

lover's day.

need a place setting to help celebrate your lover's day?

look what i found!

well i think it is SUPER adorable.

late night crafting.

besides the cute wreath on my door i don't really decorate for valentine's day. but these looked fun to make! they are made to put in windows but since i don't do anything with the very top shelf on these built ins we have, i thought i'd add a little something just for fun...

here's how

so when brian and i went to register for our wedding we got in our first real argument. i really really wanted a certain shower curtain but he hated it. i scanned it anyways. bad idea. very bad idea. he didn't even want to come with me to register in the first place. i said come on you have to! so we can agree on stuff. haha i wish i had just gone and picked out what i liked and let him not come with. but he came and was upset that i wanted him to be there to 'agree on stuff' when i just went ahead and scanned the shower curtain anyways right after he said he hated it. i felt really bad after but all the ones he was pointing out that he did like were definitely not my style and no way going in our bathroom. i unscanned it but that didn't change the fact that i did it in the first place. i ended up finding a not so bad one online. it was kind of plain and not what i really wanted but i was settling so the argument wouldn't continue. when it came in the mail he said it was wasn't his favorite but it was much better than the one i originally wanted. it wasn't my favorite either so i guess we left it at that.

here's the before that i had settled on. it's not that i hated it, it just wasn't quit me.

with not being able to paint in apartments i've still really wanted a more bright and fun shower curtain... i feel like it's the one thing in a bathroom that sets the mood in the little room. i've found lots of fun/floral/vintagy/paisley prints that i'm in love with that i know brian would hate...he calls me a hippie for liking that kind of stuff. but this one i still love and it's not floral or paisley or too plain. i actually haven't shown it to him yet so hopefully he doesn't hate me! maybe i'll show him a picture of one that i know he would hate and say 'hey aren't you glad i didn't get this other one i really like'.

and now.

when i walk in the bathroom it feels like a totally different room now, so much better! much more bright and less dull.

the photos don't really do it justice...you would have to be in there with them to see the difference. cause it really is much brighter!

catching up with sad.

you think that with having gone through it once before i would know how to handle it a little better. i mean handle the, i guess you could say, 'grieving process'.

going into our first ultrasound at the end of december i was really really trying hard to prepare myself for the same sort of out come as the first time around just a short five months before. i was so nervous but had been praying for comfort. my prayers were answered because i was a lot more calm than an appointment we had earlier in the month.

but i think i might have been praying for the wrong thing because when the ultrasound screen was exposing my insides with , again, a clearly empty sac i couldn't believe it. but at the same time i was prepared. i definitely cried a lot when the doctor left the room but after that day i didn't let myself really cry when i needed it.

before the appointment i had prayed so much to just be okay with whatever the outcome of the ultrasound was and that is what i was. okay. i forgot to let myself be sad. i feel like i tried too hard to look on the bright side and to see that it happens for a reason. i had prayed to let myself be okay with whatever the Lord had in store for me. i wanted to be strong for whatever His plans were for me. i was grateful. my prayers were answered. i really felt that it was easier this second time than it was the first. maybe i was just in denial of what was really happening. again!

for some reason though i think i might have been ignoring my emotions. i tried not to be sad. but that would lead to just being in a bad mood and being grumpy towards brian. i would catch myself though. i would realize that 'oh maybe i'm just sad, sorry for being in a bad mood. i think i'm just sad.' but i wouldn't really be it. i would just continue to not really feel like my real self.

this all comes up now because i feel it's all catching up with me. just recently i've been able to actually cry hard about it. this whole process has been so weird to me. it's like i don't know how to feel sometimes...i just know i'm not feeling normal. when i go through my day i feel like i'm missing a part of something really important. when i drive home from work sometimes i wish i was going to pick up my little baby... that sounds a little strange i do realize but it's really what i think about going down the freeway at the end of the day.

i'm 22.

it's crazy to think where i am in my 22nd year of life. it really isn't where i planned to be but it is so much better. oh so much better than i ever thought!

i didn't do anything too crazy but had lots of evenings spent with all my favorite people. thursday night before my birthday i enjoyed a yummy dinner out to chinese with my grandma and uncle. the big day i worked and brian was at work until midnight (we waited for our days off on monday and tuesday to celebrate) and so i joined my family at my little sister's show choir concert. she is getting too too big! all i could think about while watching her was how i used to change her diapers and give her baths and then put her jammies (i may or may not have gotten teary eyed) on her cute, all clean, little baby body. anyways.. enough about getting too big.

on saturday, after a my favorite yoga class, some homework, and cleaning the house so clean :), a group of my favorite girls enjoyed some delicious dinner at BJ's and a few rounds of catch phrase at my place after. (i know i've said i don't like games, but i really do like catch phrase) on sunday brian and i went to my families for dinner and my mom made my favorite apple crisp...so yummy! and we played my other favorite game apples to apples.

and finally! brian and i were able to play together all day monday and tuesday! those are his set days off and i happen to have the week off work. we never get full days together anymore so i was so excited to play with my best friend for a whole two days!! we never got a chance to go to julian during fall like a wanted so monday we headed up there for an afternoon. we had a surprisingly delicious lunch. we, of course, hit up the candy store. we even held hands.

with not much sleep the night before, a long run at the lake that morning with haley, and getting a cold.. i was happy to cuddle brian and nap a bit while he enjoyed his other lover (don't worry it's just his kindle. although i do get jealous of her sometimes.) before we headed over to the schimpf's that night for some mexican!

my sickness ruined our tuesday adventure of beach cruising around coronado but ended up being replaced with costco and a movie. buuut, any day with costco involved is a great day for me!

yay to birthdays that are a great excuse to

bring friends together, go on adventures, and eat sweets!

nine.

Day 9-Something you're proud of in the past few days

running four miles this past thursday and again on monday! i've always really liked running but it always really hurts my body. and if i'm not doing it with someone i get really bored. so i've never run more than three miles ever! and that was on a treadmill...cause it keeps me going. and i have injuries, like plantar fasciitis, from dance that start to hurt bad after about two miles. but my wonderful friend haley is in the beginning of her training for a half marathon. so i joined her for a couple runs at the lake. i'm looking forward to more too! although, besides the normal pains, i get this horrible one in the tendon behind my knee on the outer side...so bad that i have to stop and walk. after the run on monday i was practically limping the rest of the day from it. i think it might be overcompensation for my sprained ankle that never healed properly. hopefully it won't keep me from more running because i'm so proud of myself for pushing though the pain and doing, what i consider, long runs. i realize this sounds wimpy cause four miles is really nothing but when you haven't done it before it just feels so good to know you finally have and you actually can do it!