you think that with having gone through it once before i would know how to handle it a little better. i mean handle the, i guess you could say, 'grieving process'.
going into our first ultrasound at the end of december i was really really trying hard to prepare myself for the same sort of out come as the first time around just a short five months before. i was so nervous but had been praying for comfort. my prayers were answered because i was a lot more calm than an appointment we had earlier in the month.
but i think i might have been praying for the wrong thing because when the ultrasound screen was exposing my insides with , again, a clearly empty sac i couldn't believe it. but at the same time i was prepared. i definitely cried a lot when the doctor left the room but after that day i didn't let myself really cry when i needed it.
before the appointment i had prayed so much to just be okay with whatever the outcome of the ultrasound was and that is what i was. okay. i forgot to let myself be sad. i feel like i tried too hard to look on the bright side and to see that it happens for a reason. i had prayed to let myself be okay with whatever the Lord had in store for me. i wanted to be strong for whatever His plans were for me. i was grateful. my prayers were answered. i really felt that it was easier this second time than it was the first. maybe i was just in denial of what was really happening. again!
for some reason though i think i might have been ignoring my emotions. i tried not to be sad. but that would lead to just being in a bad mood and being grumpy towards brian. i would catch myself though. i would realize that 'oh maybe i'm just sad, sorry for being in a bad mood. i think i'm just sad.' but i wouldn't really be it. i would just continue to not really feel like my real self.
this all comes up now because i feel it's all catching up with me. just recently i've been able to actually cry hard about it. this whole process has been so weird to me. it's like i don't know how to feel sometimes...i just know i'm not feeling normal. when i go through my day i feel like i'm missing a part of something really important. when i drive home from work sometimes i wish i was going to pick up my little baby... that sounds a little strange i do realize but it's really what i think about going down the freeway at the end of the day.
It's hard to know how to respond to feelings when you feel so strange, but you have to remember that because of all of this, your hormones are also going crazy and I'm sure that takes a huge toll. I know this is different, but I think it's similar. I got post-partum depression after having Ashton. Some days (most days) I felt like I couldn't even function. I didn't feel like me. I wasn't happy. I didn't realize what it was for a long time and even then, it took some time to overcome. Those darned hormones can really take a toll. I hope you're on the mend. I know this is hard, as it would be for anyone. Let me know if you need anything!
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